Harper's Weekly 10/24/1868
HUMORS OF THE DAY.
The Man who Waxes Strong Every Day.—The
shoemaker.Dean Swift hearing of a carpenter falling through
the scaffolding of a house which he was engaged in
repairing, remarked that he liked to see a mechanic
go through his work promptly.According to the latest definition, a bachelor is a
man who has lost the opportunity of making a woman
Wife has resolved to be content with the duties of
her “sphere,” make home pleasant, and always meet
her husband with a “joy-
—“Do you mean to say that you are In-
—“Then all I've got to say is, you're
the fattest Insolvent I ever saw.”
ful smile.” Enter hus-
band: Throws his hat on
the floor and drops into
a seat. Wife preparing
tea, looks up with a
smile, and is so glad to
“Well, my dear,
it is so nice to have you
here at meal-time.” [A
“Yes, I sup-
“How has your
business prospered to-
day?” [Another smile.]
“Come, my dear,
supper is ready; let me
draw your chair.” [An-
am too tired to stir.—
Wait till I warm my
“Do as you
choose, my dear.” [An-
other sweet smile.]
here, old woman, before
any more fuss is made
about it, I should like to
know what in thunder
you are grinning at?”
During the oppressive
heat of last summer a
duel would have certain-
ly taken place between
two Parisian notables
but from the lack of en-
ergy arising from the
state of the weather.—
The cause of the quarrel
was novel. “Victor,”
said Adolphe to his
friend, “has insulted me.
It can only be wiped out
with blood.”“Has he run
away with your wife?”
asked the friend. “No,”
was the reply; “worse.”
“Worse!”“Ay! he has,
in this tropic July, sent
me a ticket for the thea-
tre!”What a name for one of
the latest engines of war!
—“The Parsons Con-
A WIFE'S BLAST AGAINST TOBACCO.
He sits in a corner from morning to night—
'Tis smoke, chew, smoke!
He rises at dawn his pipe to light,
Goes puffing and chewing with all his might,
Till the hour of sleep. 'Tis his delight
To smoke, chew, smoke.
The quid goes in when the pipe goes out—
'Tis chew, chew, chew;
Now a cloud of smoke goes up from his throat,
Then his mouth sends a constant stream afloat;
'Tis chew, chew, chew.
He sits all day in a smoke or fog—
'Tis puff, puff, puff;
He growls at his wife, the cat, and dog,
He covers with filth the carpet and rug,
And his only answer when I give him a jog
Is puff, puff, puff.
The house all o'er, from end to end,
Is smoke, smoke, smoke;
In whatever room my way I wend,
If I take his clothes to patch and mend,
Ungrateful perfumes will ever ascend,
Of smoke, smoke, smoke.
At home or abroad, afar or near,
'Tis smoke, chew, smoke;
His mouth is stuffed from ear to ear,
Or puffing the stump of a pipe so dear;
And his days will end, I verily fear,
In smoke, smoke, smoke.
Churning in Chili.—The ordinary mode of churn-
ing butter in Chili is to put the milk in a skin—usually
a dog's skin—tie it on a donkey, mount a boy on him,
with rowels to his spurs about the length of the ani-
mal's ears, and then run him four-mile heats.Law Report.—The next morning the judge of the
police court sent for me. I went down and he re-
ceived me cordially; said he had heard of the won-
derful things I had accomplished by knocking down
five persons and assaulting six others, and was proud
of me. I was a promising young man, and all that.
Then he offered a toast: “Guilty or not guilty?” I re-
sponded, in a brief but eloquent speech, setting forth
the importance of the occasion that had brought us
together. After the usual ceremonies, I was request-
ed to lend the city ten dollars.
Mary Ellen (anxiously).
“Betsy Jane, isn't my
chignon coming off?”
“No. Can't you move a lit-
tle further? you are creasing my lace flounces.”
Mary Ellen (moving a little).
“Don't you think
Susan Brown looks dreadful homely?”
“Was there ev—. Oh! there's Char-
lie! Isn't he a perfect Adonis! How I do wish he
would look our way!”
Mary Ellen (smiling sweetly).
“Ah! I see him.
He's looking toward us.”
Betsy Jane (angrily).
“He isn't looking at you, so
you needn't act like a fool. The minister's going to
“Those long prayers of his are posi-
tively awful, and I sha'n't try to keep awake.”
Betsy Jane (peeping through her fingers at Charlie).
“Go to sleep, dear, I sha'n't disturb you.”
“Mr. Brown, you said the defendant was honest and
intelligent: what makes you think so; are you ac-
quainted with him?”“No, Sir, I never seed him.”
“Why, then, do you come to such a conclusion?”
“'Cause he takes ten newspapers, and pays for them
in advance.” Verdict for defendant.A dandy, wishing to be witty, accosted an old rag-
man as follows:“You take all sorts of rubbish in your cart, don't
you?”“Yes—jump in, jump in!”Reynolds, the dramatist, observing the thinness of
the house at one of his pieces, said: “I suppose it is
owing to the war.”“No,” was the reply; “it's owing
to the peace.”New Idea for Family Portraits.—A gentleman
from Paris paid a visit to a country dame, in whose
parlor he saw the portrait of a lovely woman of, say,
five-and-twenty. Upon the entrance of the lady, her
visitor naturally asked her if the picture was a family
portrait, and was told that it represented her deceased
daughter. “Has it been long since you lost her?”
asked the gentleman. “Alas, Sir,” replied the lady,
“she died just after her birth, and I have had the por-
trait painted to represent her as she would appear if
she had lived until now.”What bus has found room for the most people?—
MONUMENTAL STATUE ERECTED TO THE MEMORY OF MAJOR-GENERAL JOHN SEDGWICK BY THE SIXTH CORPS.
[Launt Thompson, Sculptor.—Photographed by Rockwood.]
AN UNKNOWN SOLDIER.—[See Page 679.]
THE WONDERFUL FISH, CAUGHT NEAR EASTPORT, MAINE, Aug. 3, 1868.—[Drawn by Charles A. Barry.]