Harper's Weekly 11/28/1863


HUMORS OF THE DAY.

CIGARETTES

If the story told be true,
It is very wrong of you,
Young Coquettes,
Smoking, when Mamma's away,
On the lawn or by the spray,
Cigarettes.

'Twon't improve a ruddy mouth,
Odor, breathing as the South,
Heretofore:
And the process which conceals—
Chewing villainous pastilles—
Is a bore.

Ladies fair, with due respect,
For one reason I object,
Which is this:
Sure young breath is sweet to me,
And a maiden's lips should be
Fit to kiss.
At Ballston, New York, on Sunday afternoon, fatigued
with his long journey, a wagoner, with his son John, drove
his team into a barn, and determined to pass the Sabbath
in enjoying a season of worship with the good people of
the village. When the time for worship arrived John
was sent to watch the team while the wagoner went in
with the crowd. The preacher had hardly announced his
subject before the old man fell sound asleep. He sat
against the partition in the centre of the body slip; just
over against him, separated by a very low partition, sat a
fleshy lady who seemed all absorbed in the sermon. She
struggled hard with her feelings, but unable to control
them any longer, she burst out with a loud scream, and
shouted at the top of her voice, arousing the old man, who,
but half awake, threw his arm around her waist, and
cried, very soothingly, “Whoa, Nancy! Whoa, Nancy!
Here, John,” calling his son, “cut the belly-band and
loosen the breechen quick, or she'll tear every thing to
pieces!”
A JOKE B FORE DINNER.
A.“Here, taste some of these American bitters; they'll
give you an appetite as sharp as a saw.”B.“Exactly the thing, since I've my board found me.”
EPIGRAM ON SOCIETY AND INDIVIDUALS.
BY A CYNIC.


The many go absurdly wrong
In common with their kind;
Not few in self-conceit are strong
As they are weak of mind.
Thus, for example, to produce
A case of either class,
There's Tomkins, a gregarious goose—
Brown, an egregious ass.
How many common figurative expressions in our lan-
guage are borrowed from the art of carpentry may be seen
in the following sentence: “The lawyer who filed a bill,
shaved a note, cut an acquaintance, split a hair, made an
entry, got up a case, framed an indictment, empanneled
a jury, put them into a box, bailed a witness, hammered
a judge, and bored a whole court, all in one day, has since
laid down law and turned carpenter.”
THE SUICIDE.
A man was seen, in meditative mood,
Walk by a stream that murmur'd through a wood;
His face was pale, his eyebrows dark and low,
His bloodshot eye fixed on the stream below.
He walked, then stopped, as if he sought to find
A place to quench his body, soul, and mind!
He pondered o'er the deep unwilling tide,
Then, stooping, laid his raiment at his side,
When flew a man with news of evil things;
Off went a host as if on eagle's wings,
Far out of sight, but faster still they run;
They now return—they with a watchman come;
A splash was seen, which sore disturbed the deep:
They came and found—that he had washed his feet!On one occasion the senior Stephenson accidentally met
a gentleman and his wife at an inn in Derbyshire, whom
he entertained for some time with his shrewd observations
and playful sallies. At length the lady requested to know
the name of the remarkable stranger. “Why, madam,”
said he, “they used once to call me Geordie Stephenson;
now I am called George Stephenson, Esquire, of Tapton
House, near Chesterfleld. And further, let me say, that I
have dined with princes, and peers, and commoners, with
persons of all classes, from the highest to the humblest. I
have made my dinner off a red herring at a hedge bottom,
and gone through the meanest drudgery; I have seen
mankind in all his phases, and the conclusion I have ar-
rived at is, that, if we're all stripped, there's not much
difference.”
FAMILY JARS.

Jars of jelly, jars of jam,
Jars of potted beef and ham,
Jars of early gooseberry nice,
Jars of mince-meat, jars of spice,
Jars of orange marmalade,
Jars of pickles, all home-made,
Jars of cordial, home-made wine,
Jars of honey, superfine;
Would the only jars were these
That occur in families!
An ingenious person has discovered that the three most
forcible letters in our alphabet are N R G; that the two
which contain nothing are MT; that four express great
corpulence, O B C T: that two are in a decline, D K; that
four indicate exalted station, X L N C, and three excite
our tears, yet, when pronounced together, are necessary to
a good understanding-L E G.The following is a literal copy, as near as types can make
it, of a notice posted on a tree in front of a barn on Sum-
mit Avenue. As every body could not see the notice, we
have copied it, so that the “lo Trik” would be exposed;
and if the fellow who took the “briddle Bit,” does not
speedily “Leve it Balk,” he must be a hard case indeed:A man went in this Barn the Other day & took off
abriddle Bit & took it away if he dont. Bring it Blk i
will send a offesas af to him towo persenSaw, him i think it is. A low Trik if he do not Leve.
it Balk i wull hav him tak en up look out i now youPatience has at last been defined as a stammering law-
yer examining a stuttering witness before a deaf judge.A Boston correspondent of the Cincinnati Gazette is re-
sponsible for the following: I heard the other day a bon
mot
made by Longfellow the poet. Young Mr. Longworth,
from your city, being introduced to him, some one present
remarked upon the similarity of the first syllable of the
two names. “Yes,” said the poet, “but in this case I fear
Pope's line will apply:'Worth makes the man, and want of it the fellow'.”The following hit at Southern army contractors appears
in the Chattanooga Rebel. It will answer for more north-
ern latitudes:
“To rob the country two contractors come,
One cheats in corn, the other cheats in rum:
Which is the greater, if you can, explain,
A rogue in spirit, or a thief in grain!”
An Unpoetical Simile.—Adolphus Scattercash remarks
that “the parting glory of a summer's eve” would be all
very fine and enjoyable, only that it always unpleasantly
reminds “a fellah” of expiring bills, by being so closely
allied to falling dew.An old bachelor says a woman may be surprised, aston-
ished, taken all aback, but never dumbfounded.

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